Monday, March 21, 2011

The Quiet and All That Follows

Don't you hate it when you have some really profound and interesting thoughts, but then you don't write them down and when you try to remember them, they're just gone. POOF - No more brilliant thoughts - they are all just gone and no amount of racking your brain can bring them back in their former glory. I am suffering from this affliction now my friends. I'm trying to just get the slightest inkling of the brilliant allegory that I had created which somehow linked my mom's lasagna with my emotional state. I've been grappling for it since the day after my house suddenly went still and silent because the last of my family packed up and went back to their home. Alas, it's gone. Suffice it to say my mom's lasagna is awesome, but I wasn't feeling so awesome and somehow even the leftover lasagna wasn't comfort food enough to make me feel less lonely.

I'm now trying to get back into my old patterns, well the good ones anyway. The bad patterns never really just go away unless you choose them away. I don't feel particularly creative recently and I'm not sure why that is. It seems to me with all the sad lonely feelings I have swirling around since my family went back to their respective states I would have lots of emotional ammunition to spit out. But I don't. I kind of feel like a stone.

I'm not really sure where I am going with this, which isn't exactly unusual, but I usually have at least a shadowy idea of a plan. I'm just trying to get the thinking/writing/creating ball rolling. I guess that makes all of my readers my guinea pigs! :) Lucky you guys!

I miss my family, and the missing of them seems to have swallowed up a whole lot of other things. It might seem like I don't appreciate my husband and my step daughter as my family and I assure you that that is far from the case. I think sometimes the depth of the bond that I feel between myself and my parents and siblings is what makes me so keenly aware of all of the ways that I don't share the same bond that my husband and stepdaughter share. It's very hard to learn my relationship with them individually and as a pair when I don't share the same kind of bond that they share between each other and with my step daughter's biological mother. I realize that dwelling on this thing that feels like a bridgeless rift is not the way to overcome it, but I cannot ignore the feelings either. So I find myself observing a lot. I don't know where it's getting me yet, but I guess I just feel like if I observe it then it will continue to help me understand my own role in this family.

So I guess I found something to say. I'm sure I could say more, but I think I'm just going to marinate in this for a little while.

Just Keep Swimming....


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