Next Months Challenge

I have things to do today, but all I seem to want to do is play with all of the blog features, most of which I have no freaking clue how to manage. I find all these nifty widgets and I want to play with them, but I can't seem to figure out even the most basic copy and paste actions. I mean I get the whole, copy this code then paste it, but seriously, where exactly do I paste it??? Maybe I'm just a tech-reject I don't know, but I have now spent three good writing hours attempting to add things like my Goodreads.com bookshelf and all I've got to show for it is ...well nothing. I managed to tweet a few things and found some new blogs to follow, because you know I need more distractions.

I did find a cool April blog challenge that I plan to participate in during the month of April (you know in April...loving my genius sentence structure). It should be pretty interesting finding a topic for each letter of the alphabet on everyday of the week except for Sunday's. It's a bit of a commitment and you know how I feel about that, but I guess we will see how well I pull through. I made it through NanoWrimo in November and surpassed the 50K word mark so I think I can pull this off. That's all for now, though if any of you can send me help on how to improve my blog and how to add widgets without totally screwing up the code I'd be oh so grateful!! And by help on improving my blog I really only mean the widgets...ha...just kidding. All suggestions and criticisms are welcome!

Link to the blog challenge if any of you are interested!!Click here

http://www.tossingitout.blogspot.com/2011/01/very-special-and-exciting-announcement.html

~Cheers~
Mandi

Dear Diary hosted by Anna Reads

As if I haven't exposed myself enough, I have decided to participate in one of my favorite bloggers weekly events. The event is called Dear Diary and it's an opportunity for all of us adults to take a trip down memory lane into the minds of our younger tween/teen selves. Since I know my mom reads this she will probably get a big kick out of this! I skipped around a bit too make it more interesting. All of the punctuation (or lack of) is specifically copied from the journal as well. So here goes:

3-24-88

Dear Diary,

Today was very hectic! I did a lot of work it was pretty hard, but I managed. Well, my mom went to a party and a boy I really like came up and asked about me his name is _____. I really like him. Most people think he's a nerd but I don't. We're going over to his house tomorrow I can't wait! Anyway I think he likes me. No more "bye".

June 22, '89'

Dear Diary,

I don't think I've ever told you what I want to be when I grow up so I'll tell you now I want to become a famous writer or a poet. Writing interests me. I don't think the editing parts are very important though what you I think counts is what you write not how or what marks are written in it Th only think in my is is my sister it seems like shes got all the talent. I feel embarassed to write what I feel a lot I don't know why though. My sister shes a different story she says and writes what she feels. Me I get embarassed or I can't explain how I feel though.

I kind of got in the middle of a romance novel it seems like. You see *boy*(_____'s brother) or actually *girl* got upset at *boy* for some reason *girl* well she watches Beth, Tim and I sometimes. Well *boy* keeps asking me if she says anything about him. (She doesn't) *Boy* is really upset he likes *girl* a lot and she keeps brushing him off this romance novel is really sad I feel sad for *boy*!!<--(authors note - in my diary I turned the points of the exclamation marks into the eyes of a smiley face...oh so creative)!

Well now for my romance novel mine is happy but pittiful in some parts. I still like ____ a lot!!<--(Those exclamation points were hearts, that were also the eyes of a smiley face)

His is so sweet he kept looking at me and smiling. I have to tell you something else too. This nerd or more like GEEK followed me into the hall he was following me and he said so you think you can get away from me huh. What a GEEK!! I should've turned around and slapped him!! I DO NOT LIKE HIM AT ALL

I still take piano but with a different teacher, shes really nice!!<--(more smiley exclamations)

I'm going to have my period soon yuk. I'm really growing because now I have to wear a bra!! ick!! Well, I better go.

Love,

Mandi

Things I've learned:

I had my own set of punctuation rules.

Uh, can someone say DRAMA QUEEN?! Wow. I'm trying to figure out why I wanted to slap the boy who followed me around and flirted with me. I'm a bit puzzled about how insulting I found that.

I thought about boys A LOT! I guess I knew that, but geeze...now I'm terrified of what Rianna is thinking about.

I think it's cool I documented somewhere in my history that I wanted to be a writer. I also know where my habit of writing run on sentences began. Apparently, I still don't believe in editing or those silly punctuation marks.

Okay readers (all 9 of you, which is like 3 times what I had two days ago! WOOT) time to look into your diaries and take a trip down memory lane. If you post your diary entry on your blog send me a link so that I can share it!

mandikay@gmail.com

The Highest Form of Praise

First a few things: 1- I woke up this morning and had double the followers!! WOO HOO! :) But seriously, I get all warm and fuzzy knowing that there are people out there listening! Thanks for the love and support! Signed copies of my first best seller to you first brilliant and loyal followers of mine! :) Though you might just have to settle for a signed copy of a finished novel!! :)

And now I realize that I didn't have a second thing, and if I did I have already forgotten it...so...ON WITH THE BLOG!

My step daughter used to say that when she grew up she wanted to be a manager at a major video store chain like her mother. It's hard to tell a child that maybe they should aim for something higher without coming across as being disparaging towards the person that they are trying to emulate. Especially, when that person just happens to be their mother and you happen to be the Wicked Stepmother. Being a manager in any retail environment is a challenging job and certainly a job that needs to be done. As I continue this post please bear in mind that I have nothing but the highest regard for anyone who has done or currently does this job. I don't envy those who do that job because they have to be cheerful and happy even under the most ridiculous circumstances. In general I think that customer service jobs are for the birds, it's just too much effort to be nice all the time...and this is coming from a former Disney cast member.

I have always been a writer. I have written things here and there and contemplating the novel writing process, but as with most things in my life up to this point I wouldn't allow myself to commit to actually doing something that would take longer than ... well longer than my attention span would allow. My attention span in general leaves something to be desired....oh hey did you see that sparkly thing over...uh yeah..you get the idea. Josh and I have the same conversation about once a day and it goes like this:

(From my point of view)

Josh: And.....wah wah wah...music...iTunes...song...right?

Mandi: Definitely

Josh: Honey, did you hear what I just said?

Mandi: Yeah, I answered you didn't I?

Josh: What did I ask you?

Mandi: (I'm thinking....I'm thinking) it was something about the music in iTunes right?

Josh: Nevermind, I love you.

I can say this for Josh, he got me to commit. I married the guy, now I'm working on listening to him. So anyway....back to the point...

Over the last 5 or 6 months I have as previously stated in other blogs committed to this writing process, and it's been amazing. And I wish I would have committed to it sooner (I know I have also said this before...I'm getting repetitive) but had I committed to it sooner, well yeah I'm pretty sure I didn't know the formula for commitment so that was kind of an impossibility until now.

The point...back to the point...About 2 months ago my stepdaughter asked me, "How do I get to be a famous author who gets paid to write?" I'm not sure why she thought that I would actually know how to become a famous author since I can barely claim the title author and the only things I'm famous for I'm fairly certain nobody would pay me for. I thought it was sweet nonetheless, so I gave her a basic synopsis, write a book, edit your book (I left out the part where you edit it again and probably again and again and again and again - didn't want to scare the girl), write a nice letter to a lot of agents (I also left out cry about rejection letters, write to more agents, again and again and...), agent goes to publisher....etc. Anyway, she thought about it for awhile and then she said that it sounded like a lot of work. I of course told her that it was, but if you loved to write it was a pretty awesome thing to get paid to do (I assume).

About two weeks ago she came home from school and we had this conversation:

Ri: I forgot today was career day at school, but that's okay I just said that I was a best selling author, and you don't have to get dressed up to do that. I bet you could even stay in your pajamas all day.

Mandi: Yep, good thinking!

Ri: Well, I really do want to be a best selling author, I want to write books that a lot of people read. Here's my card.

(She then handed me a business card that said "Rianna Harbin - Future Best Selling Author")

It's kind of amazing to me how I am constantly going through this roller coaster of emotions in this step parenting journey and I think that there is no possible way that this kid can see me as anything but a Wicked Stepmother. And yet she gives me the highest form of praise a kid can give an adult. It's pretty humbling.

Today she came home from school very excited and immediately began recounting the most exciting part of her day:

Ri: Guess what?

Mandi: What?

Ri: I started writing my first book today!

Mandi: Really? That's awesome, wha-(I get cut off mid sentence)

Ri: It's about a girl who is a vampire, but I'm not going to reveal that she's a vampire til halfway through the book, so that it keeps the suspense. It's about a girl named Lucy and she goes to the School of Horrors, so that kind of gives the hint that she is actually a vampire. I got a half of a page written already, isn't that a lot?

Wow...yep...wow. I'm like a role model, and stuff. How on earth did that happen? She wants to be like me! And then Oh God, she wants to be like me?! And then again, wow. It might seem strange to some of you when I tell you that my first reaction to this revelation wasn't all feelings of warm fuzzy pride. Those feelings are there now, but initially, I was kinda like, I don't really get it, why does she want to be like me? I'm seriously the Wicked Stepmother who feels like she is barely holding herself together on more days than I can count. I know that's probably not normal, a normal and balanced person would probably go right to being proud and feeling good about there new status. I just felt even more overwhelmed. I mean that's a pretty huge responsibility, which granted when I opened up my life to stepchildren was kinda a logical consequence, but somehow the real weight of being looked up to felt a little suffocating at first. I don't know if it's because I thought I was or will totally fail and disappoint or and more likely that I just didn't want my identity to get stolen by an 11 year old. Yes, I know that is a completely ridiculous idea...yet, embarrassing as it is to admit, it was there and it was real so I'm putting it out there for you.

Despite my shortcomings I am told by a source that I find to be trustworthy and reliable not to mention smart and comforting, that I'm doing just fine. I want to believe her, and I probably do, but then it's really hard not to feel just a little bit overwhelmed by the idea that a little person thinks so highly of me. I'm really not being sarcastic when I say I really can't imagine why she does. But she does and the responsibility of that is just a little bit overwhelming but it's also warm and fuzzy.

I think I'm past most of the strange emotional reactions I had regarding this little revelation. Mostly now I just feel the pride. The responsibility of being a role model is as weighty as it every was, but I also know that it's not a weight that I am incapable of carrying and if anything it is a weight that I should have been willingly carrying all along. Besides if an 11 year old thinks I'm a successful author when I haven't even been published, well it doesn't get much better than that.

Brilliance before bed...okay mediocrity before bed

My blog is losing pace and going all over the place. This probably isn't really a bad thing since I have oh all of three readers out there in blog land. But you three...you're my favorite, oh yes you three you three rock! Anyway, back to my point. So first I'm told that all your best ideas and creativity happen before you go to sleep. I'm getting ready to go to sleep and I am still looking for the direction that I wanted to take this blog. But I think maybe right now it's just a matter of organizing thoughts and putting things in perspective...so this blog may end up being longer and more mediocre than I had originally intended it to be...I suppose with only three readers, most of this writing is just for me anyway...which again is probably just as well. I have a dream though. I dream that there will come a day when I am read by many and most of the many enjoy what they read. Hopefully, this reading will be on more than my blog..but I'll take what I can get.

I started this blog to write specifically about the challenges of being a stepmother, I had hoped to share some intimate thoughts as well as funny stories. Ultimately, that process has been stymied by the fact that the path through step parenting has been so intimate that I have not been willing to open myself up even to you my three wonderful readers. I am getting there though and I imagine there will be plenty of interesting reflections on step parenting past present and future issues. My point about the initial focus of my blog and my current lack of focus on said topic is that it's starting to occur to me that this journey into being a step parent isn't just about the step parenting, it's so much more about maintaining and cultivating all of the things that are me while incorporating the new identity of step mother into myself. It's a freaking big job. I think that I wasn't writing a lot because I didn't want to share some of the more intimate feelings I have been having about step parenting, and now I realize that it's just as important to write about all of the other stuff that I am doing to maintain my identity while I walk down this path. So with that said I think that it's not just okay but it's necessary and worthwhile to write about all of the other adventures that I am taking on while I take this journey.

I have spent the last few days not really working on my second novel but kind of cyber stalking in a not scary way, the authors that have had an impact on my writing and have stocked my book shelves. I have learned some good things and have been given hope that there really can be a future for a newbie author. I try not to get to hung up on the fact that I didn't start seriously contemplating writing as a profession until now, but really spending too much time dwelling on that won't lead anywhere good, so let's just forget I even brought it up here.

My point about all that I have been "researching" aka "cyberstalking" is that it has been an enlightening experience and given me a lot of good ideas about organizing my writing and setting some real goals for myself. Writing is hard work when you are trying to say more than a few snarky comments in a blog post. I have all but given up editing my first novel, i can't even get my mom and sister to finish reading the darn thing, so that pretty much tells me all I need to know about how much it sucks. I came to the conclusion today though, that I am okay with that. I think that for a first novel it has thus far served its purpose. First and foremost it has shown me that I am absolutely capable of writing a full length novel and that above all else has helped me to feel empowered in my writing. I think that putting it down and letting it stew or collect dust is just kind of where it's at in its own evolution. I have so many other projects in my head that I am excited about that it seems almost wasteful to put that effort elsewhere. My husband pointed out to my today that there have been many successful projects that were taken down and dusted off after their creator had had time to let the ideas settle and reinvent themselves. So I am deciding to stop thinking about my first novel in terms of it needing to be finished in the sense that it needs to be polished and edited. Obviously I still need practice with such things, but really for now I think that my energies are better placed elsewhere.

I began reading and following Amanda Hocking who is a USA Today bestselling author who has never traditionally published a novel. All of her books have been self published through CreateSpace. This gave me hope because I was pretty skeptical about the potential that an author could have by going through CreateSpace. I'm not by any means unaware of how unique her situation is, but I also know that she has broken a publishing barrier for many newbie authors. In the end as far as writing goes, I want to be read and loved like all writers, but mostly I just want to do it, I just want to write, I want to finish projects and I want to become proficient in the writing and editing process. So I guess no matter where the writing adventure leads me in the end I may not be paid by doggonit I'm gonna be personally successful.

Putting the 'A' in YA

I read young adult paranormal fantasy novels...and I LOVE them! Yes, there I said it! I like to read books written for people 15 years younger than I am. I have been trying to pretend like I only read them for easy reading options. That is true, but the bigger truth is that I love the story lines, I love the writing, I get sucked into the sucky emotional angst of teenage life. Oh yes, yes I do and I gobble up all the woe and heartache and go back for seconds, thirds and fourths if they are available. Reading YA urban fantasy novels for me is like being able to sit down to a Thanksgiving dinner smorgasbord every night of the week. I love it! There I said it. I think that there is something very validating in reading the YA novels, it's not about wishing I was young, though I would be lying to myself if I didn't occasionally say to myself, "damn, I wish I had been that much of a bad ass at 17" but seriously there are very few bad ass 17 year old girls. Most of us are or were so totally absorbed in whatever personal drama we had created or imagined or imagined and then created that we didn't have time to be that bad ass. It's a little bit about reminiscing about the emotional angst and turmoil, it's a little bit about staying in touch with the fires and passions that meant so much, it's a little bit about reading a great romance book and having enough left to the imagination that the relationship tension in the book is palpable as I read. I think there is a little bit that is about being able to read about the stupid decisions that characters make, remembering the stupid choices that I made and reflecting on how those experiences made me a better person.

I run into people who will haughtily pronounce that "they do not read YA novels," and they say it with such superiority that I have to wonder if they aren't secretly hiding stacks of YA vampire novels under their bed. It's not a bad thing to read YA novels and I suspect, actually I think I know that there is a large and very proud population of readers that troll the YA section of library looking for the next Richelle Meade novel, wonder if Stephanie Meyer will come out with something new, put their name first on the hold list for the last book in Alyson Noel's Immortal's series, are counting down the minutes until they can download City of Fallen Angels by Clarissa Clare, are excited when Amanda Hocking produces a new eBook. They are wondering if the next YA urban fantasy novel that they pick up will satisfy their craving for the fantasy and drama the way that the Vampire Academy Series did or keep them up reading til 5 am the way that Harry Potter did.

I read the mature adult reading too, and when the adult books are good they are amazing, but I have a special place in my heart for the YA novel and I think it has a little to do with a lot of things, but primarily I think it's often a reminder that I don't ever want to be a teenager again. But there were good things about being a young adult and reading YA novels is a safe way to stay in touch with that passion and youth while still being mostly sane grown up me.

I know you're out there, you adult YA readers...don't be shy hold your Richelle Meade and Clarissa Clare novels up high! Read proudly and don't forget to sleep every so often!

The Hard Stuff

It's hard to imagine that I'm not the only person feeling exactly as I feel about so many things, step-parenthood is just one of those things. Sometimes I feel so resentful, which only leads me to feel guilty because I chose this life. Who should I resent more than myself?

Sometimes I resent my husband because of how much his job requires him to travel. It feels like he gets to escape when things get difficult because his job takes him out of town so much. And there I am left to deal with all of his parenting responsibilities for a child that I am still struggling with belonging to. I who have thrived on my ability to always do what I wanted when I wanted am now caged and clipped to someone else's decisions. I'm angry, I'm depressed and I'm trapped. These are not good feelings to base parenting decisions on, so then I'm guilty too.

The irony of the whole situation is that in some ways I really do want to want to do these things, somewhere inside of me I want to enjoy parenting and the responsibilities of it. But I can't seem to get past my pride and resentment, because I wanted to be able to choose those things. I feel like all of my powers of choice have been removed and replaced with action out of necessity. My husband isn't available so regardless of my wants or needs I have to step up. The removal of that choice seems like such a small thing, I should just be able to get over it right? I mean I just said that I wanted to want to do those things so why does it feel emotionally and physically impossible to find enjoyment in the responsibilities that are being put on my shoulders. It seems so stupid because I think even if I had the illusion of choice I would be able to find some peace in doing what needs to be done. That seems so shallow that I don't know how it can be that simple. Is it that simple? Is it just the illusion of choice and not the choice that I need? And if that's the case then what does that say about me?

My husband and I work through these things delicately. There are so many things that can go wrong when trying to sort these things out. These are emotionally volatile subjects because we are all so deeply invested in the outcome. I could pretend not to know what the outcome will be, but that would imply that I don't believe whole heartedly that my husband, my step-kids and I are strong enough to come out of this as an intact family. I believe that we are strong enough. I believe that we can take care of each other and take care of ourselves. I believe that the only thing that could cause our efforts to fail is silence. That's a hard thing to say because I have spent the better part of my life valiantly protecting the thoughts and emotions that make me most vulnerable. But I see how communication has improved my marriage and my self and I know that saying the hard things with love hurts less than the interminable silence of not saying anything at all.

I'm scared, and I'm hurting but I'm never as lost as I feel because wherever I go, there I am. I just have to allow myself to be seen and I have to allow myself to see others. But I have to allow myself to see others as they are and not through the veil of my own emotions, I can't see that clearly if I'm holding onto my emotions like they are some kind of precious currency.

I am trying to teach my step daughter about what actual strength is, and it took me a long time to realize what true strength was, it's not having the strength to stay silent about what hurts. The most powerful strength is in being able to be vulnerable when your the most scared that what you might say could be used against you. True strength is knowing that even if opening yourself up leads to being hurt you are going to be okay and getting hurt won't be the end of the world. You might cry a little you might feel a little bit angry, but in the end the strongest people aren't the ones who can't speak when they hurt. The strongest people are the ones that can look at someone else and say "Ow, you hurt me" and be okay if they aren't strong enough to apologize.

The best thing is that people are much better than we give them credit for. Sure people fail us from time to time, and that hurts, but people for the most part are willing to apologize when they hurt us. When it's all said and done and the tears have dried and the bruising ego's and hearts begin to feel less tender, many times we find that if we acted with love not only are we better as individuals, our friendships, marriages, relationships are better too.

Extra Terrestrial Life Forms

There are times in this step-parenting journey when I think to myself, "OH MY GOD WILL THIS NIGHTMARE EVER END!" I know that's all kinds of dramatic and over the top, but so am I, so it's really what goes on in my head. I find myself feeling like I have an alien life form wandering the halls of my house and I can't quite figure out what to do with the strange little beings who look at me so expectantly that I feel guilty that I don't seem to quite get it. I don't seem to quite speak their language, and then suddenly it's not them that's the outsider, it's me. I'm an alien in my own home. There are two people who share a bond so definitive and so deep that the best I can do is to recognize that it's there because I don't feel it. It's not that I don't love my family, I love them all and yet sometimes it just seems so completely inadequate that I find myself feeling guilty for my inadequacies. And then I'm angry. I don't know why I'm angry but I am because I am home and somehow I still feel like the puzzle piece that got put into the wrong box. And then I feel guilty again, I mean, I chose this life and these aliens. I walked into the family with my arms, eyes and heart wide open and yet there are so many days when it just doesn't feel like enough.

Sometimes I feel like I have lost a sense of me and the things that used to ground me. Those are probably the hardest days because I have placed so much value on my individuality when I can't find it in the chaos of our family I just want to sit down and bury my head into my hands and cry. But then I am angry again, and then guilty and round and round it goes until I am so dizzy with conflicting and antagonizing emotions that it's not just my mental state that feels nauseated it's my whole being. Sometimes I try to analyze how I let it all consume me so quickly but that only makes me feel worse and I know the only thing to do is to stop fighting it all, to just let it be what it is. I finally let things go, stop trying to control every aspect of the world around me and suddenly the connections reappear, the aliens become the family that I love and I realize that maybe just maybe the only alien in the house was me.