An Honest Voice

In my last blog I touted the excitement I felt at the return of my muse.  Though it has been seven long months since my last post I have been writing (mostly consistently ;)) during that time.  I just haven't been writing blogs.  I am still coming to terms with some things as a blogger that are harder than I thought they would be.  One of my biggest concerns and questions has been how much information is too much information to share with the whole wide world? 

This question is very hard for me an multiple levels.  First as a writer I am constantly training my voice to be honest, even and especially when the honesty is hard to admit.  An honest voice gives comfort to readers.  We feel that our authors identify with us, we feel safe knowing that we are not alone in our feelings and insecurities, we want to hear more from those authors that speak to us in our own voices. 

An honest voice can also get you into trouble.  People over internalize, friends and family members believe that you are talking about them (and sometimes we are), our sincerity is not always the popular opinion.  Relationships are fractured, trust is broken and sometimes jobs are jeopardized or lost. 

One of my biggest issues lately has been the career issue and I question posting even the most inane things to blog because I wonder to myself, "can that be misinterpreted?"  The product of this uncertainty feels as harmful as the possibility that what I write might prevent me from getting hired.  I'm not sharing, I'm not connecting, I'm just a lurker in a world in which I want to participate.

As often happens for me when I begin writing one yarn of thought the solution tumbles out before me, bright, clear, and obvious.  The answer is common sense.  Candor might be hard to swallow at times, but a good helping of common sense can make all the difference in how the honesty is received.  Common sense will not assuage everyone's feelings, but in terms of posting things that may impact a future job prospect I choose to believe that it will help me to connect with the right job and keep me from getting into a relationship with an organization with which I would not click well. 

In terms of relationships common sense, ethical practice and general karma would dictate that we don't write intentionally hurtful things, we ask permission to share personal information and we do our best to protect the people we love by being honest with them on and off the page.

~M

Return of the Muse

For what seems like eons my characters have been quiet.  The chatter inside my head had subsided and my writers block turned into a writing hiatus.  As terribly crazy as it sounds I am so happy because the voices in my head are slowly trickling back to life!  Their return has been quiet and slow, but steady progress is being made.  I feel a little like a deer in headlights.  I'm afraid to move too quickly and scare them away, but I don't want them to think that I am ignoring them either.  I feel the need to write write write, but I wonder will I overwork them will my finicky inner muse go silent if I push her too hard? 

I have reflected endlessly on my character's silence and my muses vacation.  This is what I have come up with, and it is no doubt a common understanding among more seasoned writers and artists but it is something that I think that each artist must come to terms with independently.  Anyway, I think I lost my confidence.  And as many writers I'm sure will agree losing ones confidence is crippling.  Feeling as if your story is common or insignificant can be a crushing blow that will stop creativity in its tracks.  I don't want to dwell on those feelings however, I want to focus on the slow return of my confidence.

It occurred to me during Nano when one of the ML's handed me a sticker during a write-in.  The sticker said, "You're story matters."  After that I started to realize that my story did matter that no matter how many other people write in your genre, your story is unique and only you can tell it.  After I accepted that everything started falling back into place.  Reading a friends first published novel, the talented Hope Collier's novel The Willows: Haven has helped to inspire me.  Continuing to write reviews for the awesome book blogger Stacey O'Neale and her site YA Fantasy Guide has also contributed to the return of my muse.  Working with a critique group has sparked an excitement in my writing.  Listening to the writings of others has really had a profound effect on my desire to write, I am excited to share with them and hear their critiques to become a better writer myself.  I have things to say and stories to tell and no matter what anyone else thinks my stories and thoughts are important and I need to share them if only for me.  I had forgotten for awhile that I am reason enough to write.  I think that every writer at some point must reach a point where they have to remind themselves that their words and stories matter.  No one is insignificant, no story unimportant, no craft that is not worth sharpening.  YOU are important and your story matters!  Don't forget that!

The Hole in the Story

Today's thoughts and babble are brought to you by the logic of an 11 year old.

We have a routine for every day of the week, it involves a usual order of things on most days except for Wednesday's, which are early dismissal days and things get changed up a bit. We have arranged for an after school activity and transportation every Wednesday. Today as far as I knew was just like any other day. That is until my stepdaughter showed up at home much earlier than she should have been. I was going to try and recreate the conversation that I had with her while trying to figure out exactly why she didn't go to her after school activity, but it was so convoluted, I'm still not sure what happened. I am going to attempt to paraphrase:

M: What are you doing home so early, was your activity cancelled?
R: Well, no I was confused.
M: What do you mean you were confused?
R: Well, the teacher said something about Monday, but I didn't know about Monday and today doesn't start till 12:50.
M: Wait, so there is no activity today?
R: No, there is, I was just confused.
M: I'm sorry now I'm confused...So there is an activity you just decided not to go?
R: NO ... (BIG SIGH) Last week she said Monday that we wouldn't start til 12:50, and I thought they wouldn't let me stay in the office.
M: Hold on, but your group doesn't start til 12:50 anyway, that's the normal time. What do you usually do until your start time?
R: I wait in the office with the others.
M: Ummmm, so why are you home again.
R: Because I was confused.
M: Confused about what?
R: It doesn't start until 12:50.
M: But that's the same as every Wednesday.
R: Yes.
M: .....

That believe it or not is the short of it. There is obviously a critical piece of the story that she is leaving out, a piece that I have as of yet to uncover. Right now I feel like I just read a story with a major plot hole. It's unsatisfying and now I have to play detective. But I guess parenting is sometimes like attempting to fill in plot holes. Sometimes they are gaping and virtually impossible to fill in without more information, and sometimes they are small and easy to smooth over with a little inference.

Speaking of plot holes...I have been reading more book reviews lately. They help me for a number of reasons. First they allow me to find new books to read so that I can avoid reading my textbooks. Second, ideally they will help me craft a better novel. Ideally. Lately, they are starting to scare me. You know how they always tell you "Don't look down" before you jump off of the high dive? Inevitably you do look down, and then your suddenly frozen by the sight of just how far away the water looks. Reading book reviews is like looking down before you jump off of the high dive. It may be better just to close my eyes, plug my nose and jump for now. I'll work on mastering my graceful swan dive once my knees stop trembling from the height.

M

Reading, writing and homework - Oh My!

A few weeks ago I posted a blog indicating that I was planning on participating in the A-Z Blogger Challenge. I still plan to do that, but I am coming to realize that I am probably going to need some kind of plan if I intend to participate successfully. A blog a day for every letter of the alphabet seems kind of like a no-brainer, but I'm starting to think that I might at least want to have some idea of the things that I would like to write about. Since I now have 17 followers (WOO HOO...moving up in the world!) I thought I could maybe enlist your help in brainstorming ideas for each letter. So throw me some letters and some topics and I will see what I can do with them.

I just finished reading a YA book by Lauren Oliver entitled, "Before I Fall". It was a pretty good read over all. It didn't hold my interest as intensely as I expected it to, but I liked the writing enough to pick up another book by the same author "Delirium". The story revolves around a female character who re-experiences the last day of her death over a period of a week. During that time she learns a great deal about herself and the world around her. I liked the evolution of the character and how she responds to the people around her as she changes. The book was smartly written and delivers a nice message that was sometimes a little bit suffocating but I think the ends still justified the means.

My own writing process is picking up again. I seriously think that blogging about all the other stuff in my head helps me to be a better writer of fiction. On the downside, school has started up again and I have a BAD case of senioritis. The last time I got a bad case of senioritis, I ended up as a 7 year undergrad student. I'm much more interested in writing about my world than I am in writing about various politically charged public health issues. I need to make myself a schedule that will allow me to keep writing the things I want without neglecting my homework, this schedule also needs to include working, yoga, swimming, meditation, house keeping and paying attention to my family. Are there even enough hours in the day for all of that? I guess one thing is for certain, I'll be getting my gold level Starbucks reward card in no time flat!

Just keep swimming...and don't forget to lend me your alphabet ideas!! :)

Mandi

The Highest Form of Praise

First a few things: 1- I woke up this morning and had double the followers!! WOO HOO! :) But seriously, I get all warm and fuzzy knowing that there are people out there listening! Thanks for the love and support! Signed copies of my first best seller to you first brilliant and loyal followers of mine! :) Though you might just have to settle for a signed copy of a finished novel!! :)

And now I realize that I didn't have a second thing, and if I did I have already forgotten it...so...ON WITH THE BLOG!

My step daughter used to say that when she grew up she wanted to be a manager at a major video store chain like her mother. It's hard to tell a child that maybe they should aim for something higher without coming across as being disparaging towards the person that they are trying to emulate. Especially, when that person just happens to be their mother and you happen to be the Wicked Stepmother. Being a manager in any retail environment is a challenging job and certainly a job that needs to be done. As I continue this post please bear in mind that I have nothing but the highest regard for anyone who has done or currently does this job. I don't envy those who do that job because they have to be cheerful and happy even under the most ridiculous circumstances. In general I think that customer service jobs are for the birds, it's just too much effort to be nice all the time...and this is coming from a former Disney cast member.

I have always been a writer. I have written things here and there and contemplating the novel writing process, but as with most things in my life up to this point I wouldn't allow myself to commit to actually doing something that would take longer than ... well longer than my attention span would allow. My attention span in general leaves something to be desired....oh hey did you see that sparkly thing over...uh yeah..you get the idea. Josh and I have the same conversation about once a day and it goes like this:

(From my point of view)

Josh: And.....wah wah wah...music...iTunes...song...right?

Mandi: Definitely

Josh: Honey, did you hear what I just said?

Mandi: Yeah, I answered you didn't I?

Josh: What did I ask you?

Mandi: (I'm thinking....I'm thinking) it was something about the music in iTunes right?

Josh: Nevermind, I love you.

I can say this for Josh, he got me to commit. I married the guy, now I'm working on listening to him. So anyway....back to the point...

Over the last 5 or 6 months I have as previously stated in other blogs committed to this writing process, and it's been amazing. And I wish I would have committed to it sooner (I know I have also said this before...I'm getting repetitive) but had I committed to it sooner, well yeah I'm pretty sure I didn't know the formula for commitment so that was kind of an impossibility until now.

The point...back to the point...About 2 months ago my stepdaughter asked me, "How do I get to be a famous author who gets paid to write?" I'm not sure why she thought that I would actually know how to become a famous author since I can barely claim the title author and the only things I'm famous for I'm fairly certain nobody would pay me for. I thought it was sweet nonetheless, so I gave her a basic synopsis, write a book, edit your book (I left out the part where you edit it again and probably again and again and again and again - didn't want to scare the girl), write a nice letter to a lot of agents (I also left out cry about rejection letters, write to more agents, again and again and...), agent goes to publisher....etc. Anyway, she thought about it for awhile and then she said that it sounded like a lot of work. I of course told her that it was, but if you loved to write it was a pretty awesome thing to get paid to do (I assume).

About two weeks ago she came home from school and we had this conversation:

Ri: I forgot today was career day at school, but that's okay I just said that I was a best selling author, and you don't have to get dressed up to do that. I bet you could even stay in your pajamas all day.

Mandi: Yep, good thinking!

Ri: Well, I really do want to be a best selling author, I want to write books that a lot of people read. Here's my card.

(She then handed me a business card that said "Rianna Harbin - Future Best Selling Author")

It's kind of amazing to me how I am constantly going through this roller coaster of emotions in this step parenting journey and I think that there is no possible way that this kid can see me as anything but a Wicked Stepmother. And yet she gives me the highest form of praise a kid can give an adult. It's pretty humbling.

Today she came home from school very excited and immediately began recounting the most exciting part of her day:

Ri: Guess what?

Mandi: What?

Ri: I started writing my first book today!

Mandi: Really? That's awesome, wha-(I get cut off mid sentence)

Ri: It's about a girl who is a vampire, but I'm not going to reveal that she's a vampire til halfway through the book, so that it keeps the suspense. It's about a girl named Lucy and she goes to the School of Horrors, so that kind of gives the hint that she is actually a vampire. I got a half of a page written already, isn't that a lot?

Wow...yep...wow. I'm like a role model, and stuff. How on earth did that happen? She wants to be like me! And then Oh God, she wants to be like me?! And then again, wow. It might seem strange to some of you when I tell you that my first reaction to this revelation wasn't all feelings of warm fuzzy pride. Those feelings are there now, but initially, I was kinda like, I don't really get it, why does she want to be like me? I'm seriously the Wicked Stepmother who feels like she is barely holding herself together on more days than I can count. I know that's probably not normal, a normal and balanced person would probably go right to being proud and feeling good about there new status. I just felt even more overwhelmed. I mean that's a pretty huge responsibility, which granted when I opened up my life to stepchildren was kinda a logical consequence, but somehow the real weight of being looked up to felt a little suffocating at first. I don't know if it's because I thought I was or will totally fail and disappoint or and more likely that I just didn't want my identity to get stolen by an 11 year old. Yes, I know that is a completely ridiculous idea...yet, embarrassing as it is to admit, it was there and it was real so I'm putting it out there for you.

Despite my shortcomings I am told by a source that I find to be trustworthy and reliable not to mention smart and comforting, that I'm doing just fine. I want to believe her, and I probably do, but then it's really hard not to feel just a little bit overwhelmed by the idea that a little person thinks so highly of me. I'm really not being sarcastic when I say I really can't imagine why she does. But she does and the responsibility of that is just a little bit overwhelming but it's also warm and fuzzy.

I think I'm past most of the strange emotional reactions I had regarding this little revelation. Mostly now I just feel the pride. The responsibility of being a role model is as weighty as it every was, but I also know that it's not a weight that I am incapable of carrying and if anything it is a weight that I should have been willingly carrying all along. Besides if an 11 year old thinks I'm a successful author when I haven't even been published, well it doesn't get much better than that.

Brilliance before bed...okay mediocrity before bed

My blog is losing pace and going all over the place. This probably isn't really a bad thing since I have oh all of three readers out there in blog land. But you three...you're my favorite, oh yes you three you three rock! Anyway, back to my point. So first I'm told that all your best ideas and creativity happen before you go to sleep. I'm getting ready to go to sleep and I am still looking for the direction that I wanted to take this blog. But I think maybe right now it's just a matter of organizing thoughts and putting things in perspective...so this blog may end up being longer and more mediocre than I had originally intended it to be...I suppose with only three readers, most of this writing is just for me anyway...which again is probably just as well. I have a dream though. I dream that there will come a day when I am read by many and most of the many enjoy what they read. Hopefully, this reading will be on more than my blog..but I'll take what I can get.

I started this blog to write specifically about the challenges of being a stepmother, I had hoped to share some intimate thoughts as well as funny stories. Ultimately, that process has been stymied by the fact that the path through step parenting has been so intimate that I have not been willing to open myself up even to you my three wonderful readers. I am getting there though and I imagine there will be plenty of interesting reflections on step parenting past present and future issues. My point about the initial focus of my blog and my current lack of focus on said topic is that it's starting to occur to me that this journey into being a step parent isn't just about the step parenting, it's so much more about maintaining and cultivating all of the things that are me while incorporating the new identity of step mother into myself. It's a freaking big job. I think that I wasn't writing a lot because I didn't want to share some of the more intimate feelings I have been having about step parenting, and now I realize that it's just as important to write about all of the other stuff that I am doing to maintain my identity while I walk down this path. So with that said I think that it's not just okay but it's necessary and worthwhile to write about all of the other adventures that I am taking on while I take this journey.

I have spent the last few days not really working on my second novel but kind of cyber stalking in a not scary way, the authors that have had an impact on my writing and have stocked my book shelves. I have learned some good things and have been given hope that there really can be a future for a newbie author. I try not to get to hung up on the fact that I didn't start seriously contemplating writing as a profession until now, but really spending too much time dwelling on that won't lead anywhere good, so let's just forget I even brought it up here.

My point about all that I have been "researching" aka "cyberstalking" is that it has been an enlightening experience and given me a lot of good ideas about organizing my writing and setting some real goals for myself. Writing is hard work when you are trying to say more than a few snarky comments in a blog post. I have all but given up editing my first novel, i can't even get my mom and sister to finish reading the darn thing, so that pretty much tells me all I need to know about how much it sucks. I came to the conclusion today though, that I am okay with that. I think that for a first novel it has thus far served its purpose. First and foremost it has shown me that I am absolutely capable of writing a full length novel and that above all else has helped me to feel empowered in my writing. I think that putting it down and letting it stew or collect dust is just kind of where it's at in its own evolution. I have so many other projects in my head that I am excited about that it seems almost wasteful to put that effort elsewhere. My husband pointed out to my today that there have been many successful projects that were taken down and dusted off after their creator had had time to let the ideas settle and reinvent themselves. So I am deciding to stop thinking about my first novel in terms of it needing to be finished in the sense that it needs to be polished and edited. Obviously I still need practice with such things, but really for now I think that my energies are better placed elsewhere.

I began reading and following Amanda Hocking who is a USA Today bestselling author who has never traditionally published a novel. All of her books have been self published through CreateSpace. This gave me hope because I was pretty skeptical about the potential that an author could have by going through CreateSpace. I'm not by any means unaware of how unique her situation is, but I also know that she has broken a publishing barrier for many newbie authors. In the end as far as writing goes, I want to be read and loved like all writers, but mostly I just want to do it, I just want to write, I want to finish projects and I want to become proficient in the writing and editing process. So I guess no matter where the writing adventure leads me in the end I may not be paid by doggonit I'm gonna be personally successful.